When we last left the 2016 edition of the stock picking contest, Janine from My Pennies My Thoughts was giving the 13 other contestants a through ass kicking, posting a return of 23.2% over only three months. Annualized, I’m pretty sure that works out to about a BILLION PERCENT annually.

I’m good at math.

She was almost six percentage points above blog reader Doug who posted a 17.4% return. Doug was closely followed by Tyler, who was up 16.3%. And My Own Advisor was comfortably in 4th, posting a total return of 13.8%.

The rest of us, apparently, sucked. You can check out the full results if you want here.

A whole quarter has passed since, and plenty has changed. Donald Trump went from being a legitimate presidential contender to being a slightly less legitimate presidential candidate. And the Toronto Maple Leafs went from a gong show to a gong show with the first overall draft pick.

Okay, so it turns out not much has changed. Except for some stock prices, I guess.

So without further adieu, let’s look at the latest results.

1. Blog reader Doug (+76.5%)

No, that’s not a typo. That’s truly a performance for the ages.

Doug had one stock that went up more than 200% (Nemaska Lithium) and one that went up more than 100% (Painted Pony Petroleum). His other two selections didn’t do much at all. The scary part is if the end of the quarter would have come on May 31st, Nemaska would have been up more than 300%.

Hey Doug, if you’re reading this, leave a comment about what attracted you to Nemaska. Or Painted Pony. ALLOW US TO LEARN FROM YOU, OH GLORIOUS MASTER.

2. My Pennies My Thoughts (+52.7%)

Janine improved considerably over her first quarter performance, increasing her imaginary mini portfolio by more than 50%. And all she gets is my all-caps scorn. SECOND PLACE IS THE FIRST LOSER, LOOOOOOOOSER.

Most of Janine’s success came from Barrick Gold, a company no legitimate investor would have touched at the beginning of this competition. It just goes to show you “legitimate” investors often do get stuff wrong. Go ahead and laugh at them, all they’ve got going for them are consistent appearances on CNBC, great high-paying jobs, attractive spouses, and billions under management. JOKE’S ON YOU, SUCKERS.

3. Blog reader Tyler (+23.2%)

Tyler picked the first preferred share of the history of the competition, choosing the Dundee Corp Series 3 Preferred shares, a very boring name for an interesting stock. The pick proved to be a great one, increasing more than 56% including dividends. Who said preferred shares had to be boring?

Tyler also picked CRH Medical Corp, which increased more than 22%. But more importantly, here’s what CRH Medical does:

“The company specializes in the treatment of hemorrhoids utilizing its treatment protocol and technology.” Finally, medicine is starting to tackle the issues that really matter.

4. My Own Advisor (+21.8%)

Mark from My Own Advisor continues to finish somewhere in the middle of the pack using his dividend/value approach, a fine strategy for real life. All four of his picks of Bank of Nova Scotia, TransCanada, Crescent Point, and Emerson Electric finished up double digits.

5. Financial Uproar (+12.0%)


My best stock was Corus, which ended the six month period up 28.6%. I also got solid performances from Hammond Manufacturing and Directcash, which were up 18.5% and 10.1% respectively. My only dud was dividend aristocrat Franklin Resources, the owner of Franklin Templeton investments. It turns out that betting against ETFs wasn’t such a smart move. At least I talked myself out of buying it with real money.

Disclosure: I own Corus, Hammond, and Directcash.

6. Freedom 35 Blog (+10.9%)

The owner of this particular blog likes to refer to himself as “Liquid Independence”, which is kinda gross. What kind of liquids are we talking here? I hope it’s not pee.

Anyhoo, his relatively standard picks of Starbucks, Waste Management, Equifax, and Royal Bank finished a relatively standard middle of the pack. It’s a very beige result and My Own Advisor is a little jealous.

7. Holy Potato (+10.6%)

As mentioned last quarter, Holy Potato chose a different Dundee preferred share than Tyler. Turns out it was the wrong one, since the company decided to just redeem the stupid thing, locking him into a 14.7% gain. That’s not terrible, but it’s nothing compared to the 56% Tyler made.

Holy Potato’s other picks included a Fannie Mae (or Freddie Mac, like I can tell the difference) preferred share, Canexus Corp, and American Hotel Income Properties. Y’know, the blue chip household names we’ve all grown to love.

8. Vanessa’s Money (+5.4%)

If it wasn’t for Vanessa’s smart ass pick of ISIS Pharmaceuticals (which is since changed its name and fallen more than 60%), she would be near the top. Other picks of Wal-Mart (+20%), iShares MSCI Canada Index (16.4%), and Bombardier (+44.8%) performed pretty well. I thought the iShares pick was particularly clever, which was both a bet on Canada and a bet on the U.S. Dollar.

Still, I feel like I must alert the authorities of Vanessa’s obvious LOVE OF ISIS. HEY, AMERICAN GOVERNMENT. DO NOT LET THIS WOMAN INTO YOUR COUNTRY.

9. Avrex Money (+3.1%)

Andrew chose eBay as one of his stocks, that website you might remember from 2006. Well, it turns out it’s still around and losing him imaginary money, falling 13.5%. Richie Bros Auctioneering did much better, rising some 30%.

10. Blog Reader Ben (-1.4%)

Even Ben’s excellent pick of Dream Office REIT (up 11.6% and a personal holding of mine) wasn’t enough to offset his loss in Bank of America, which declined more than 20%. I haven’t been this mad at the U.S. banks since they almost caused the collapse of the financial system as we know it, a comparable offense to not increasing to help out a Financial Uproar blog reader.

11. Kapitalust (-2.3%)

After posting double-digit negative returns from three of his four picks (Chipotle, Sprouts Farmer’s Market and Boston Beer), I think it’s obvious Mr. Lust should spend more time ogling stacks of $100s or jerking it to balance sheets or whatever his perverted mind thinks is normal.

And in case you needed further proof he’s a DEPRIVED SICKO, his only positive pick was Lululemon. Disgusting.

12. Blog reader Jeff (-7.8%)

Jeff lost money on Bank of America, ATS Automation, and ProMetic Life Sciences. At least two of those companies are 100% fabricated.

13. Don’t Quit Your Day Job (-11.7%)

After winning last year’s contest, PK’s picks are almost in the basement, showing the fickle nature of the contest. One year you’re on top of the world, winning the coveted golden plunger award I physically mail to each winner’s work so they get embarrassed by it. The next you’re in the gutter, getting beaten by said plunger by some local youths.

This contest is surprisingly violent.

14. Boomer and Echo (-38.7%)

Here’s an actual conversation I had with Robb’s wife, who asked I keep our conversation anonymous. I AM NOT TO BE TRUSTED.

“How does it feel to be married to such a terrible stock picker?”

(Signs divorce papers, moves to North Korea)

How’d we do versus the index?

Overall, our 56 total stock picks were up 10.99%, handily beating the year to date returns of the TSX Composite (+8.1%) and the S&P 500, which increased 2.9%. Look for our ETF in the next few weeks, further proof they’ll give an ETF to anyone. It’s pretty much the stock picking equivalent of the NBA free agency market.

Tell everyone, yo!