(Blows off the layers upon layers of cobwebs)

(Sighs)

(Starts to slowly clean up the rubble that used to be a prominent personal finance blog)

(Sees something)

(It’s moving, but only barely)

(Oh my. What could it possibly be?)

You tried to kill me, but you couldn’t. I’ll never die. 

OH GODDAMMIT IT ITALICS MAN.

So I guess I’m wading back into this whole PF blogging thingamajig. I know I said I’d go away forever and there was no place for my particular kind of finance commentary (92 dick jokes attempting to make a coherent point about something), but time (and quitting meth) has helped me come up with an interesting new business plan. I’m still hatching out the deets so I won’t say too much. Let’s just say it totally doesn’t involve me coming to all of y’all’s houses and stealing $20 from your wallet. At least not anymore.

It’s going to be lit. Do the kids still say lit? (Texts the only 18-year-old who will talk to me) He says if I don’t stop contacting him he’ll call the cops. Bummer.

Let’s talk a little about a personal finance mistake I may have made recently — paying off my house so damn aggressively.

Here’s the deal. It costs a surprising amount of money each month to live in a house you own. I still have to pay the stupid water bill and the electric to keep the A/C on 24/7. What? I refuse to take off one of my three sweaters. Then there’s the house insurance, the property taxes, the constant small improvements/fixes that keep popping up, and a billion other expenses. I own a ladder now. Why? Damned if I know. The only thing that scares me more than heights is the shower. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME GO IN THERE.

It costs about $700 a month to live in my paid off house, a figure that doesn’t factor in a nickel for house maintenance. That is more than I anticipated, to say the least. And I’ve got at least $1000 worth of upgrades planned in the next few months.

We figure if we’re patient we can get a decent place to live for $1000 all-in. A super-nice apartment at our former building is up for $1400, a figure that includes power, heat, water, and internet.

Let’s assume we throw up our hands and rent that place. On the surface, it would cost $600 more per month, or $7,200 per year. That’s bad.

But I can get access to $200,000 worth of capital by selling my house. If I invest that money and get just a 4% return, I’ll gain $8,000 per year. If I can do better than 4%, it makes all sorts of sense to free up that equity. That’s good.

At this point the only thing stopping me is laziness. $1400 per month is a little steep for my tastes, too. Note that if we settled and rented an $800/month apartment (there are probably a dozen of these available at any one time in town) we’d be miles ahead of the game. The problem is the $800/month apartments don’t have the kind of amenities we’re used to. Also, they’re cursed. Yep. Built on ancient Indian burial grounds. That’s bad.

That’s right. I’m one of those guys now. Someone who needs a dishwasher and stuff. Italics man would kick my ass if he actually, y’know, existed.

Hot damn is the Globe and Mail Financial Facelift series bad. I could almost do a recurring post every week making fun of it. It’s just the same thing every week. Can this couple who has clearly never read a personal finance or early retirement blog hang up their proverbial skates with juuuuuuust $1.4 million in the bank? You’ll never guess what our generic financial planner has to say!

Yeah, that’s right. I like gifs now. Just in time for them to fade into obscurity.

Also anyone who makes fun of Financial Facelifts is copying me.

Is it just me, or is every damn financial blog littered to death with ads? I understand my peers are happy RBC and BMO are taking them seriously, but enough with the 14 different reminders to sign up for the newest Johnny Come Lately roboadvisor.

The wife and I went to China in May. It was bananas. China might be the most interesting place I’ve ever been. I simultaneously loved and hated the place. It’s crowded as hell, noisy, dirty, and many of the citizens lack the basic respect given to each other that is so prevalent in the other parts of Asia I’ve visited. There’s also plenty of poverty. It’s everywhere.

At the same time, you’ve got to hand it to the government there. They truly are the next upcoming superpower. They’re hungry too. North Americans are too comfortable. The Chinese want desperately to be taken seriously. They’ll easily surpass us in 50 years. Hell, it might even be 20 years.

I kinda want to move there until I hear some of the horror stories. Certain hospitals won’t treat white people. Racism is rampant. Violence is much more common than other parts of Asia. And the government watches everyone. I couldn’t go to a soccer game without buying a ticket online and giving my passport info to some stadium employee. I’m surprised I wasn’t asked to piss in a cup too.

That’s about it. I gotta work in the morning.

Tell everyone, yo!