Financial Uproar

Finally, it’s summer here in the Great White North. IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME. I am enjoying the crap out of this because in 20 minutes it will snow again. This leads to a Canadian’s favorite hobby, complaining about the weather. Apparently the choices are free healthcare or no snow in May. You can’t have both.

Every Canadian likes to take advantage of this nice weather by spending time outside, usually while sipping adult beverages on someone’s patio. Knock yourself out, but I’m not about to piss away my cash on alcoholic beverages. Beer tastes like bottled ass, and I’ve don’t understand how booze adds to the underlying mix. I’ll have a vodka and coke, but hold the vodka.

Anyway, here are my top 5 non-alcoholic patio drinks. You can add yours in the comments, but that doesn’t make them any less wrong.

5. Coke Zero – It tastes just like Coke, but with zero calories. What’s not to like? NICE TRY, DIABETES.

4. Water – The traditional choice. Refreshing and delicious. Trent Hamm approves.

3. Dairy Queen milkshakes – Hey, remember how we avoided diabetes by drinking the Coke Zero? Drink a few of these bad boys and you’ll be needing to regulate your insulin in no time. Pro-tip: give the cherry on top to your girl. It’s just empty vitamins, and the gesture will get you, at a minimum, a little touching under the table.

2. McDonald’s Smoothies – The blueberry pomegranate one is outstanding. And, since it’s got fruit in it, you can pretend it’s good for you. Go ahead, order the large.

1. 7-11 Slurpees – I don’t know what it is about 7-11, but their frozen slushies are better than anything else on the market. Macs tries, but they just can’t get the mixture right. Slurpees are the crack cocaine of the frozen pop world. Once you’ve had one, you’re looked forever. You’ll take to stealing car stereos to continue the buzz. ROB FORD APPROVES.

Song I Like And Therefore You Should Too

iTunes made me download an update today. It did nothing. I blame the ghost of Steve Jobs.

The lead singer of Weezer is named Rivers. And his brother is Leaves. That’s weird.

Simpsons Quote

Homer: Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.

Gambling Is Fun

Ho-hum, another 2-1 week, which improves my record over the last 6 weeks to 14-4. No, I will not give you gambling tips. No, I will not move to Atlantic City with you so we can gamble on sports all day and then become more than just friends even though we’re both dudes.

Who’s playing Houston? WHO CARES. Houston will lose and I will get the win. I’m also going to go with the New York Rangers, plus the goal and a half, against the banged up Boston Bruins. And finally, I’m taking the Spurs, minus 4.5, against the Grizzles. Hey, remember when the Grizzlies were in Vancouver? No? Didn’t think so.

Overall record: 108-113-9

A Post You Might Have Missed

I know you want to, but please don’t go back and pleasure yourself while reading my old posts. That’s kinda creepy. You may, however, enjoy my archives while enjoying a cold beverage. Or even a hot beverage. BUT NOT A TEPID ONE. I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND CHOP OFF YOUR PINKY.

I wrote about the limits of frugality. And then I made a vomit joke and about six sex jokes. All in a day’s work.

Nelson’s So Funny

BEHOLD! MY GREATEST TWEET EVER!

Meanwhile, at a Vanilla Ice flipped house: “So, tell me about the fridge.” “It makes ice, ice, baby.”

— Nelson Smith (@financialuproar) May 18, 2013

You guys only gave me two retweets for that one, and I had to beg for one. I hate you all.

The More You Know

I’ve moved the location for the rest of this link dump from my couch to my friend’s couch. There is a baby and two dogs. I’m not exactly sure what to do, except to continue to steal content from Wikipedia.

Wendel L. Clark (born October 25, 1966) is a retired Canadian professional ice hockey player. He is perhaps best known for being a member of the Toronto Maple Leafs of the National Hockey League (NHL), captaining the team from 1991 to 1994. During this time, he was often referred to as “Captain Crunch,” as he played a very physical and intense style of hockey.

This friend wants everyone to know Wendel Clark was born in Kelvington, Saskatchewan. I’m sure Kelvington is a craphole. Is craphole hyphenated?

Dirty Word In Words With Friends

Reader Soxi played ‘hooker’, which made me quite excited, mostly because I assumed she was buying me a prostitute. Alas, she was not.

If you want to play, I will get unreasonably excited when you play dirt. My username is ‘nelsmi’.

Babe Loosely Related To Finance

I cannot believe the sheer number of women who seek the attention of slack-jawed idiots on the internet. I salute you all, even though I have no idea why you do what you do.

All the preverts reading this blog approve.

Time For Links

I started making the switch from Google Reader to Feedly. It was terrible and I hate change. Instead of using a kickstarter to buy the Rob Ford crack tape, we should use those funds to convince Google to keep Reader. I will contribute this blog’s entire earnings for a month. That’s right kids, four American dollars.

Anyway, let’s start off the links with JT over at The College Investor, with a decent look at merger arbitrage. What the what? Don’t worry, just click through and see all the details. You might learn something. Or not, if you can’t read.

Want a beginner’s guide on how book value works? Mochi has your ass covered, jack. Or maybe it’s underwear that has your ass covered. Unless you’re going commando, I guess.

Next up is Adina from Timeless Finance, who pokes a few holes in the argument that moms deserve some high salary for all the stuff they do. See, moms have to quote ridiculous stuff like their job is worth $161,000 a year in the real world because getting paid jack squat to look after rugrats all day has to be painful.

Want to go to Disney World? If you do, Million Dollar Journey has some tips on how to save cash. Serious question: Disney has to be the worst place in the world to pick up chicks, right? They’d all either have kids or be there with their husbands. Nobody goes to a Disney resort alone.

And finally, from my new favorite blog, Spring Personal Finance, comes this piece on how frugality isn’t necessarily a virtue. And hey, good news. It’s written by a woman I can awkwardly hit on.

Have a good week everyone.