An Interview With A Phone Sex Operator

Well, it’s finally happened. No, I’m not retiring from blogging forever. And no, I’m not announcing that I’ve quit my job and I’m backpacking across Papua New Guinea. And no… wait, you’ve already read the title, haven’t you? Yes, it’s true. I scored an interview with a phone sex operator. Quagmire, what do you think about that?

Let’s do this thing. My questions are in bold, and her answers are below.

Just how much does it cost to call phone sex? How much of the per minute fee goes to the girl and how much goes to the company?

Phone sex pimps, I mean companies, charge $1.69-$2.99 per minute, sometimes with a minimum call length which I suspect is inversely correlated to penis length. Oops, did I just say that? I’m kidding…I think! If you see it for less, the fine print usually has a high minimum call length. Most pay a flat per-minute rate, sometimes tiered based on performance totals. Expect .20-.35 per billed minute if all you do is answer the phone. However, some places have a minimum call length and pass it on to the phone ho, in which case the rate can work out higher if you get them off – and get them off – in less than the minimum time. So the caller pays for 15 minutes and you get paid for 15 minutes whether the penis – um, the call, lasts all 15 or just 3.

How do girls go about getting business?

If you’re making the crappy rates above, you’re not involved in attracting business, either new or repeat. However, if the per-minute rate is higher, it’s because you need to do a lot of unpaid promotional work to make your phone ring, often because the company has no customer base. Social media is the ethical and painless route, but some companies push you to do skeevy stuff like troll chatrooms or register on dating sites to lure callers.

How many minutes per hour is the average girl going to work? And is there a particular time and day that most dudes call?

That is impossible to know until you start working there. Employers give you the usual commission sales job line of, “If you do this and this and you’re good, you can expect to make $XXX a week”, but never give you an indication of their call volume. Maybe you’ll score that, or maybe you’ll just sit there looking at your phone all night, listening to the lone cry of the coyote in the distance.

There is no best time of day to work because you get calls from all US time zones and probably a few others, and someone somewhere is always having trouble falling asleep, waking up, keeping his eyes off the new intern’s assets, etc. Friday nights and weekend mornings are pretty consistently busy.

How can the average girl (who just answers the phone) get ahead? Is there a way that she can just get the guy to call her direct, bypassing the company?

The just-answer-the-phone girl is going to have a tough time building a pool of regulars. Her best bet is to work consistent hours so she’s easy to find – it’s the only thing she has any control over. Bypassing the company and taking the caller off-system will get you canned, but even worse, doing that puts too much power in the caller’s hands. Think: blackmail and coercion. Also, adult entertainment of any kind has a high frequency of chargebacks because, well, you know what dudes are like after the fireworks are over and the bill arrives. Hard enough to deal with as a business, but as an individual? Yikes.

Are there certain fetishes that pay better?

Rule of thumb: fetishes pay better than vanilla. Vanilla (and female submission) don’t take a lot of brain power, presence or originality to pull off, but fetish and domination are best executed by someone who puts the effort into reading her customer and keeping it creative. Effort = money.

Staying on that same topic, which fetishes are the most profitable?

Most will tell you financial domination, where the guy gets his jollies from the girl behaving like the world’s greediest gold digger. The return is high, the competition is high, and the volume is low…but they don’t call the just-answer-the-phone services. Otherwise, it really is all about playing to your own talents. Like if you’re a girlie-girl, you’re going to do very well with men who fantasize about being feminized – and hey, you can deduct your subscriptions to Cosmo & Lucky as legitimate business expenses 🙂

And finally, can I, uh, have a discount the next time I call?

Oh Nellie….ohhhhhhhhh Nellie….

Wait. Is that a no?

Yes.

As in, yes I can have a discount? 

(logs off)

Hello? …Hello?

Okay, I guess that interview’s over.

As one of the few legal career choices for women who want to get into the sex trade, being a phone sex operator is a job that will always have willing women ready to enter. Today’s technology offers more flexibility than ever, meaning a girl can work while away from home. So while the profession seems like a pretty good deal, keep in mind that everybody else thinks so too. That leads to more competition, which suppresses wages.

Plus, our general promiscuity goes against the profession too. Both men and women are far more comfortable with one night stands and casual sex than they were even a generation ago. The internet has made accessing naked ladies just a click away. These are some serious headwinds facing phone sex operators.

It’s an interesting business. Thanks to my girl for the interview. I’m sure I’ll be talking to her later tonight.

How To Invest In Sex

I cannot believe, that even after almost 500 published posts, I haven’t explored this topic. You guys know me. I’m a horndog. Hell, I’m a borderline pervert. Greg from Control Your Cash once called me an “unregistered sex offender.” Most people would get mad if they were called that, but I just gave the comment a knowing smile. Enjoy these jokes folks, since I might actually get a girlfriend one day and then I won’t be so sex deprived. But, for now, masturbation helps, at least until I think about the crippling loneliness.

That paragraph was depressing, huh? Let’s move on.

As the expression goes, sex sells. Ladies everywhere have been selling their bodies since the beginning of modern commerce. Strip clubs are everywhere. Pornography has officially taken over the internet, at least according to my history. Everybody’s making all sorts of money off horny people, and schmucks like us aren’t seeing a dime of it. Well, I’m had enough of it. I should be profiting off sex. There’s gotta be a way you can invest in it. Let’s find out.

First of all, there are some easy ways to do so that we’re not going to cover. You could, for instance, open up a strip club. Or a brothel. You could even become a pimp. Considering that most of those suggestions are, you know, illegal, we’re not going to spend time on them. Plus, most of those things require a lot of time and/or money. And we’re more casual sex investors.

Aside: Curious about the business behind strip clubs? Go read then. But you might get a boner.

Let’s start out somewhere kinda obvious, condom manufacturers. Trojan enjoys over 70% of worldwide market share, so you should just rush out and buy their parent company, Church and Dwight, right?

Oh, you couldn’t be more wrong little one.

Church and Dwight have all sorts of different brands, including baking soda, toothpaste, and household cleaners. Ansell, who owns the second biggest condom brand Lifestyles, (take that, Durex) mostly makes medical and industrial equipment out of their latex. Condoms are just a fun distraction for everyone.

How about the birth control pill, the choice for sluts who aren’t afraid of getting the clap? Nah, it’s too fragmented too. Each of the major drug manufacturers has their own version of the pill. I’ll leave it up to the ladies to determine which of these pills are the best and which pill company is most evil. The comment section awaits.

Okay, I guess I gotta start stretching a little. Playboy has to do with sex, right? Hell, I’m sure half the dudes reading this have pleasured themselves over a playmate or two. And if it wasn’t for Playboy, Jenny McCarthy would just be someone’s trophy wife, instead of a crazy dingbat.

Nope, actually, you can’t do that either. Just last year, founder Hugh Hefner put the stock out of it’s misery and bought out remaining shareholders at a little more than $6 a share, which only represents a 48% loss from its IPO back in 1971. Take that, buy and hold guys.

Okay, this isn’t going so well. How about some better ideas?

New Frontier Media distributes adult movies to hotel rooms and cable providers. They take a cut of each sale when horny guys with nothing better to do at the hotel decide to partake. This is all fine and good, except the internet is really cutting into their business. The stock currently trades at $1.37 per share, and an activist shareholder currently has a $1.75 per share offer on the table for the whole company. As you can tell by the price, New Frontier has no interest in selling.

Up next is Rick’s Cabaret, a chain of strip joints headquartered in Houston. Rick’s is pretty big when it comes to the world of strip clubs, but is a relatively small stock. Yearly revenudes (heh) were just a shade under $80M for 2011, with a net profit of $10M. It does not pay a dividend. If it did, it would give new meaning to the term ‘dividend growth investing.’

Have a few hundred grand kicking around? Then why not invest it with AdultVest, a hedge fund that makes private investments in porn sites that need the money, but aren’t able to get it using traditional means. The fund made an impressive 50% return in 2008 and then was accused of being a ponzi scheme in 2009. According to accusers, the fund was only a way for the founder to raise money to attract the ladies with. You might want to avoid this one.

Want one more? How about Friend Finder Network, which is a very innocent sounding name for a company that sells hardcore pornography. They own several dating sites, as well as Penthouse’s assets. So yes, if you invested in this company, you could totally write a Penthouse forum letter to it.

Dear Penthouse:

For some reason, today I bought a stock that hasn’t made money, uh, ever, and currently has a negative book value. Oh, and they have more debt than assets. But I’m turned on for some reason.

Sincerely:

Horny Bob from Tulsa

Anyway, here’s the deal with sex stocks. If a major part of the company is in the sex business, chances are investors will shun it. The availability of free porn online has made it tougher for pay sites to compete. Business guys who used to order the $12.99 movie from the hotel’s tv are just firing up their laptops these days. If you combine the taboo factor with challenging business conditions, it’s not such a good time to invest in porn.

Hot Personal Finance Blogger Chicks Part 3

Oh snap kids, it’s back. It’s the 3rd anniversary of the worst tradition of all time. For those of you unfamiliar, take the chance now to go check out part 1 and part 2 of the series. Then come back real quick, because it’s gonna get all awkward and creepy in here.

Every March 10th, for the past 2 years, I’ve highlighted the best of the female part of the personal finance blog-o-net, which is totally a word. These ladies have it all going on – they’re smart, sexy, and they have blogs that are definitely worth a few minutes of your time. I figure if I keep this up for enough years, I’ll score a date with at least one of them, even if it’s only a pity date. It hasn’t worked so far, but hey, it’s only been three years. I can keep this up for decades.

This year, March 10th is on Saturday, and we wouldn’t want this post to interfere with the Saturday Morning Dump, now would we? So, I’m publishing it a day early. Is this literally the worst segue into the weekend ever? DON’T ANSWER THAT.

It’s time for the ladies to shine. Like the previous 2 incarnations of this list, these ladies are in no particular order. I AM AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY OGLER. You know I would sleep with each and every one of these ladies. Preferably all at once.

Whoops, that last sentence just slipped out. Let’s do this.

1. She Bloggs

First up we have Jen, who called her blog She Bloggs, helping guys like me quickly figure out her gender. I’m not sure what the extra g stands for. I’m going with “Gee, I wish Financial Uproar would feature me in a creepy post talking about how I’m hot even though we’ve never met.” WELL JEN, IT’S YOUR LUCKY DAY.

Seriously you guys, this woman has paid off $34,000 worth of debt in less than a year. You know how? She’s a headhunter, and is obviously good at it. I’m pretty sure she could even find me a job, which is impressive considering my lack of skills and inability to wear pants.

She also has a boyfriend. Am I gonna let that stop me? You all know the answer to that.

2. Betty Kincaid

Next up we have the sexier half of Control Your Cash, Betty Kincaid. Oh Betty. Where to begin? First off, Betty is a cougar, and cougars are officially awesome. Rawr and whatnot. Plus, she has red hair, which is super sexy, considering my well documented redhead fetish.

Betty is in real estate in the real world, and she knows her stuff. If any of you are going to write any real estate posts, I’d recommend begging Betty to give you her input on them. They’ll automatically be 145% better.  Just read anything she’s written on the subject.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’d like Betty to be my sugar mama. That sound you hear? That’s Greg coming to kick my ass.

3. Broke TO

Batting in the 3 hole is Melissa Wilson from Broke TO, who is definitely my favorite words with friends opponent, even though she keeps kicking my ass. Even though she writes all about frugality and do-it-yourself projects (subjects that aren’t admittedly my favorite) I still find her blog is one of the first I’ll check out in my reader. She’s funny, her writing is entertaining, and she could totally cook me dinner. My heart is going ba-boom.

Melissa is a freelance journalist, which is pretty much my dream job at this point. (Edit: She has a real job now. Way to ruin my post Melissa)  She’s great at saving money and keeping her spending under control, which might even be sexier than a nice set of boobs. (I said might fellas, relax) And she’s single! If I lived in Toronto, I’d totally let her reject me. I’d even look past the fact she’s a little obsessed with her cat. Next!

4. Afford Anything

Next up is Paula Pant, who is definitely the sexiest Nepalese-American I’ve ever had the pleasure of ogling over the interwebs. And I’m not just saying that because she wrote me a guest post once, or she’s the only Nepalese-American I’ve ogled. At least I think. I don’t exactly check out the nationalities of all the women I check out.

The only thing that surpasses Paula’s loveliness is her intelligence. Along with her very lucky boyfriend (damn him) they’re beginning to build a real estate empire that will probably one day rival Donald Trump’s, without the bad hair. Oh, and she’s also visited like 30 different countries, quitting her job to travel for a couple of years. Admit it, Paula is living your fantasy life. The only thing missing from my fantasy life is her. And about 4 other chicks. And chocolate sundaes.

5. Kathryn’s Conversations

Rounding out the top 5 is a blog which I think should really get more attention, called Kathryn’s Conversations, even though it’s ran by some chick named Sally.

No, it’s ran by Kathryn. She works in the finance industry, so she knows what she’s talking about, yet does a good job dumbing down the concepts so a moron like you can understand them. She’s also single, (yes!) older than me, (a cougar, yessss!) a hot blond, (yesssssssssssss!!) and clearly has a couple of bucks to her name. I’m going to need a cold shower pretty soon.

6. Thirty Six Months

Sixth on the list is Marissa from Thirty Six Months. For whatever reason, I always type out Thirty Sex Months whenever I type out the name of her blog. NICE PLANNING MARISSA.

It’s seems like she’s everywhere these days, I swear she’s had a guest post appear on every single PF blog over the past few months. Plus, she once admitted her bra size to me on Twitter, information I quite appreciated having. She’s working hard to erase her student loans in the next 3 years, hence the name of the blog. I wouldn’t bet against her.

Upon further inspection of her archives, she has a boyfriend. DAMMIT ALL TO HELL.

7. Random Thoughts And Acronyms

And finally, we have the winner for the oddest named personal finance blog, Vanessa from Vanessa’s Money. Vanessa clearly heard I was into girls with those thick rimmed glasses, so she got some just to please me. Why won’t more of you ladies do things specifically to please me?

Anyway, she’s on about her 144th year of schooling (author’s estimate) and she she’s got a positive net worth. Oh, and she works two jobs. Hell, I barely work one. She’s a living, breathing example of how anybody can put themselves in a good financial position.

One negative though – she lives in Quebec, where they’re not too nice to native English speakers like Vanessa. If she needs a shoulder to cry on, I’m so there. And to do other things on.

Unfortunately ladies, not all of you could make the cut. But hey, that’s what next year is for, right? You know you want to be accosted by some creepy dude over the internet. Just admit it and it’ll be easier for everyone. See you all next year, unless some jealous boyfriend comes and beats me up first.

Can Sluts Teach Us A Lesson On Personal Finance?

Because every good blog post begins with a rant, allow me to begin mine.

I am not that old of a person. Sure, my 20s are basically in the rearview mirror. I’m tempted to yell at teenagers approximately once a week, but that’s mostly because I’m an easily irritated curmudgeon. I can grow a full beard now, much to the chagrin of my mother, who does not care for said beard. Sure, I’m a grown up now, but I’m not old.

Saying that, in the decade in which I’ve became a grown-up, it seems like I’ve watched the ladies become more and more promiscuous. I’ve watched many of them go out and get drunk, (alas, alcohol is almost always involved) flirt with a similarly drunk dude, and end up having some sexy fun over at somebody’s place. Women used to be labeled as a slut if they bedded a different guy each weekend. Now she’s viewed as sexually liberated. Maybe I’m guilty of looking at the past through rose colored glasses, but it sure seems like sexual promiscuity has become quite normal.

I don’t really have a moral problem with this; I’m nobody’s doting grandmother. Women should be able to do whatever the hell they want, assuming their partner is consenting and no farm animals are involved. I’m typically nowhere near these types of situations, because drunk people generally annoy me. I like promiscuous chicks as much as the next guy, and would probably take advantage of one, assuming I didn’t have to put much effort into it. Yes, I’m even lazy when it comes to casual sex.

But as I get older, I prefer something a little more… structured. Call me old fashioned, but whatever happened to the chase? Whatever happened to the butterflies after the first date? Whatever happened to getting to know someone first? If all it takes is $50 worth of drinks and a few hours of my time to get a girl naked, what are my motivations for respecting her in the morning? Sex has gone from a physical expression of feelings to a simple exchange of orgasms, accompanied by a boost of self esteem, especially for the female. Hey, she thinks, I must be attractive if I can seduce this guy.

How does this apply to personal finance?

This is only a symptom of a bigger issue, our quest for immediate gratification. Want to go on vacation? Screw saving up for it, that’s what credit cards are for. A new car? No problem, just go down to the dealership and finance one. If you have bruised credit, just pay a higher rate. It’s no big deal, it’s only money. You can make similar arguments about the way we eat and the way we need to check our iPhones every time we get an email.

With the exception of the minority we’re part of, nobody saves for their retirement, nobody has an ample emergency fund, and nobody thinks of anything but the here and now. Is this because we’re better than the masses, or because we’ve figured out there are benefits when we save for the future?

With birth control and condoms pretty much universal, casual sex is basically without consequences – assuming you do it right. We all know someone who went without the condom in the heat of the moment and either ended up with a nasty surprise when they peed a few days later or a nasty surprise 9 months later. That is the worst case scenario of casual sex. If looking at a crying, pooping baby doesn’t make you stick a condom in your wallet, you are a special kind of stupid.

What’s the worst case scenario of living in the moment? That’s up for debate, since everybody has their own rock bottom when it comes to their finances. Some people turn their lives around after maxing out one credit card, others won’t blink when they’ve maxed out 3. Some people will finally get their act together after filing for bankruptcy, while others will get themselves right back into financial peril as soon as someone will lend them money again.

Random aside: there seems to be a movement in the blogosphere where people actually think it’s a good idea to finance vacations. I should really do a blog post about that. Talk about living in the moment.

Ladies, I am probably the last guy you should listen to when it comes to your body. Hell, I’d probably sleep with most of my female readers, since I keep striking out with my prospective dates. But maybe you should have similar goals for your sex life and your financial life. Living in the now is all fine and good, but if that’s all you do, you leave nothing for the future. And the next thing you know, you’ll wake up, on the wrong side of 30, without a man or a nest egg. Maybe when that happens, you’ll be desperate enough to sleep with me. I could go for some desperation sex. You know how to contact me.

Is It Time To Rethink Weddings?

Before we begin this post, I should probably disclose to the 2 people who don’t already know that I’m single. I’ve been single for a little while now, possibly because cute girls keep rejecting my awkward advances. I have to shave my palms more often than I shave my face. Hell, I can’t even get pity dates. You know those old single ladies? Well, they feel sorry for me. So, married people, keep in mind that this post is from the perspective of a single guy, and a somewhat cynical one at that. So, you know, don’t get too excited in the comments.

I’m almost resigned to the fact I’ll get married. I’m not saying that I don’t want to end up with a woman – of course I do. Somebody’s gotta make me dinner and do my laundry, and we all know it isn’t going to be me. (Sexist jokes are fun!) There’s also that whole true love thing, which is something that everyone looks for, no matter how tough their outside exterior may seem. There are certain advantages to pairing off. I understand that. I just think a traditional wedding is a pretty horrible way to celebrate this union.

I’m thinking back to the last few weddings I’ve been to. The bride wears a dress that she’ll only wear for about 8 hours, often at a price of (at least) several hundred dollars. Each of the bridesmaids wears a dress that’s worth a couple hundred bucks, which they have to buy, that they’ll probably only wear once. Each of the groomsmen is forced to rent a tux, which costs a couple hundred bucks, for an event that’ll only last a day. The cost of clothing alone reaches several thousand dollars, with each member of the bridal party shelling out a few hundred bucks for the privilege of being part of the entourage.

But wait, there’s more. Each guest invited to the wedding is expected to give a gift. Sure, if you don’t have the means to buy something nice, the couple will understand, and probably appreciate your thoughtful or homemade gift. But if you do have the means? It’ll never be said to your face, but you’ll be labeled a cheap you-know-what if you’re not buying a gift of at least $100. Hey, the new couple totally needs a top of the line fondue set, even though they’ve been living together for 2 years before they got married.

As a single guy, I’m tired of this, and I’m calling for all other single people out there to join in the revolution! Join me, and rise up against the evil that weddings have become! Together, we can fight this, and change the status quo! Who’s with me?

(Crickets chirping)

Nobody, huh? Well, that’s okay, I’m going to keep going. It’s time to take the traditional wedding and make it a little more sensible. Here are my ideas how we can.

Don’t Bother

My parents have been together for more than 30 years, and they’re still going strong. Guess what? They never bothered to get married, which was kind of a big deal back when they made the decision. It’s worked out pretty well for them, along with the millions of other couples who chose to simply shack up. These couples have avoided spending thousands of dollars on a wedding, money that can be put to better use elsewhere. They also avoided the stress that inevitably comes with planning the big day.

Elope

If you insist on getting married, say for religious reasons, then keep it small. Great aunt Hortense is going to be a little bummed out that she missed your big day, but she’ll get over it. By keeping the guest list small, you’ll cut down on the costs, the headaches and the logistics of the whole event. Hey, you can even go to Vegas if that rattles your cage.

Insist on No Gifts

You’re a grown up once you get married, right? With people putting school, careers and travel ahead of getting married on their priority lists, they’ve given themselves plenty of time to acquire the necessities of life. You might want a garlic crimper, but you sure don’t need one. Have you seen the amount of stuff the average newlyweds haul away from their wedding?

Why not use your big day as an excuse to do something for the better good? If you have a favorite charity or three, insist that, in lieu of gifts, donations will be accepted. If you’re an animal lover, help out the humane society. If you’re into reading, help out the library. You get the idea.

At their worst, weddings become a simple exchange. I’m a firm believer that one of the main reasons weddings have grown in size is simply because the bride and groom want more stuff. Since they often don’t even pay for their big day, it becomes a pretty sweet gig for them. Plus, if you’re a lady, you’ve got to go to the bridal shower, which is another gift. When will the madness stop?

Readers, how do you feel about travelling to a wedding, and then having to spend money for a gift on top of that? Do you think it’s great, or do you secretly cringe whenever you get a wedding invitation in the mail?