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Mar 252014

Tweet Russia day continues, and Mr. Yeltsin at least seems pretty happy about it. I would temporarily suspend my no gifs policy if a gif of Boris Yeltsin dancing was available. But alas, it was not to be. Could somebody get drunk Yeltsin some pizza? He’s hungry, dammit. Thanks to Putin stealing Crimea from the land of perogies and strangely colored easter eggs, the Russian stock market has taken a hit. Shares sold off 12% on the news, and although they’ve recovered a bit since the news, shares in Russian Read More […]

Dec 252013

Tweet Hey! It’s Christmas! WHOO SANTIE CLAUS AND GETTING DRUNK WITH UNCLE FRANK AND EATING ENOUGH PIE TO FEED 4,938 STARVING AFRICAN KIDS! Go ahead and have a nap, slugger. You deserve it. But wait! I know you’re getting bored of your family, because SCIENCE! has proven that every family sucks. Yes, especially my family. You should see them. I don’t want to put pictures of them on the internet without their permission, so here’s an artist’s rendering. Anyway, after that poorly executed Addams Family joke… You’re probably a little Read More […]

Dec 222013

Tweet As we reach the end of 2013, it’s time to pause, reflect, and set some goals for 2014. Or we can crack some jokes and look at almost naked girls from The Chive. Let’s do option B. And just like last year, the link section will be an offering of the best of what the blogosphere had to offer this year. That’s coming later. HEY, DON’T JUST SCROLL TO THE END NOW. THERE’S RANDOM CRAP FOR YOUR EYEBALLS. It’s almost Christmas, and I’m pretty sure only one of you Read More […]

May 262013

Tweet The fine folks at 7-11 are offering medium Slurpees for only 69 cents this weekend. This is a terrific deal, and I’d recommend you go and drink several. Maybe all at once. You could be like that guy who smoked like a hundred cigarettes at once, but with Slurpees. Your sugar high will be unprecedented, and you will probably end up with Diabetes. Try and act surprised when they want to cut off your toe. Your dentist will yell at you, but that’s okay, since they’re always yelling. Nothing Read More […]

Dec 092012

Tweet You’re expecting the contest winners at the beginning of the post, aren’t you? God you’re an impatient bastard. Just relax, they’ll come eventually. A buddy and I went to watch the new James Bond movie, and it was TERRIBLE. I’m pretty sure they farmed out writing it to a bunch of drunken chimps, and then used the worst of the mumbo jumbo those chimps managed to put together. I’m not even exaggerating, it was that terrible. There’s one scene (I’d say spoiler alert, but there’s no way you want Read More […]

Jul 222012

Tweet Because I’m a little obsessed with Emma Stone, I went and watched Spiderman the other night with one of my buddies. And holy hell, did she look hot. There’s hot, and then there’s Emma Stone hot. And then I find out, according to the internet, that she’s friends with MY GIRL Taylor Swift. That panting sound you hear? That’s me and I’m NOT SORRY. Spiderman was good even when Emma Stone wasn’t on the screen. The dude fights a giant lizard. Denis Leary is the Chief of Police. There’s Read More […]

Jun 102012

Tweet This week’s dump sponsorship: Paying too much for Car Insurance? Find Cheap Car Insurance Quotes Online from major carriers such as Geico, Progressive, State Farm and more at I know why you’ll all here today. You care very little about my witty content and Nelsonisms, because all you want to know is who won the copy of Millionaire Teacher. I think you all should learn more patience, especially when it comes to dealing with the biggest tease on the whole internet. I’ll get to it. First, more preamble. I’ve narrowed Read More […]

Mar 182012

Tweet This morning, I made the decision to quit all my staff writing gigs. The reasoning is simple. I’m spending altogether too much time writing content for other sites, and not enough on content for my own. My Sundays are filled with coming up with blog posts and writing stuff for other people’s blogs. For a while, that was cool. I was more than happy to exchange my time for money. Let’s face it. I wouldn’t have been hired if they weren’t making more money than what they paid out Read More […]

Mar 162012

Tweet At this point, you’ve all probably heard of Greg Smith, (alas, we are not related) a former senior manager of Goldman Sachs. In an impressive move of bravado, Smith decided to resign in the most public way possible – by ripping his former company in an op-ed piece in the New York Times. This soldier decided enough was enough. The sins of Goldman Sachs have been held private too long. It’s about time the public knows the truly awful things that have been going on behind closed doors. I Read More […]

Feb 102012

Tweet In the past, I’ve both nicely and not so nicely disagreed with what certain bloggers have had to say. I’m not afraid to bring down the gauntlet of mocking to a post that deserves it. You’ll notice I never insult the blogger themselves, but I have no problem taking it to the steamer of their idea. We’re all friends, I know. But friends don’t let friends write stupid blog posts. Saying that, there one particular blog that stands out in its ability to consistently bore us with the most Read More […]